Category Archives: Relationships

A New Start

Well with the new year comes some fantastic news, I got the call!
At 5:30am on the 18th Dec in fact. The voice of the transplant coordinator calmly informing me that they may have a kidney for me and to make my way in asap.  The best news possible for a kidney patient while tinged with a sadness knowing someone  had passed away earlier who had signed the donor register for people like me.
I had started dialysis for the second time three years ago in September just passed and have been waiting on the list for roughly three years. I had gotten myself into such a daily habit that I’d nearly given up on the hope of one day returning to a relatively normal life.
In the end I was called up to theatre ahout 7am on the 19th, and I can only assume it went well as I woke up in the recovery room shortly to be moved back up to ward. Going for a pee… one of the things most take for granted…. I hadn’t peed in about two years, so it was a special moment when I finally went!

It still seems remarkable that they released me on Christmas day and I was able to celebrate with my family and friends…however in hindsight I should have taken it easy and stayed indoors over the following week as I was back in hospital with a tummy bug and missed new years eve! Still even that couldn’t dampen my spirits and im happy to say that even though it’s still early days I feel fantastic if a little sore.
I’d like to say thankyou to all who stood by me particularly my girlfriend, my family and my friends, and also the dialysis team at my local hospital the QE who put up with me!
Im now hopeful that I can live my life more under my terms and get outhere and enjoy what life brings

“You and I ended over UNI…”

Once again I have been lax in updating my blog so a recap is in order methinks.
The London bridges walk came and went. I’m still in the process of collecting our sponsorship monies but we hope to have raised approx £700 which considering that the banks of the world have most of the money in the world and are disinclined to share right now, isn’t too bad.
The day itself started a little damp to say the least and what was supposed to be a joyous purple procession began more like a purple rain coated race.
The weather did pick up however and all in all it was a great day, and I wasn’t last like last year which is always a bonus…

Relationship wise things are complicated (aren’t they always?)
My girlfriend is still beautiful and still putting up with me, but her leaving for university looms large on both our minds and thoughts are inevitably drawn to the well known fact that relationships often break down when one of the two spreads their wings and flies away for three or four years.. :-\
For my part I think it’s an essential that she have the chance to experience uni and gain not only the qualification but the life experience that student life brings as well, I remember my time only too well, the amazing with the hardships. It was never dull that’s
for sure.
So here’s to my wonderful girlfriend, may she enjoy her student years and grasp everything life has to offer, and may her boobs fall to the floor and her bum balloon if she forgets about me… 😛

When you are in love you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.

Well now its been a while since I’ve blogged and its been an eventful couple of months…..
And the news is that the special someone I mentioned in a previous post who kept me afloat, who put an arm around me at my time of need is now that special someone I can hold close and kiss with all my heart freely. 🙂
Yes folks the impossible has happened…. I’ve fallen in love with someone who accepts me, my faults and hang-ups! Right now I’m the happiest man I know.
And to steal yet another quote, yet it describes exactly how I feel:
“I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you.”

Congratulations to Kirstie

Kirstie MillsKirstie Mills is a Life Life the Give Life Ambassador. She is 21 and has Cystic Fibrosis
“She is in desperate need of a double lung transplant and declining rapidly. Doctors told her last month that she has approximately six months left to live without one.” -lltgl
Thursday the 6th June saw Kirstie fulfill her dream to marry her fiance Stu.
Many congratulations to you both and my thoughts and prayers are with you in the hope you get your transplant and a chance of a well deserved happy life together!
Click here for video
Click here for Kirstie’s Blog

Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans….

Thank you Mr Lennon for the title quote. A comment that strikes a particular chord with me.
I’ve spent a lot of time either putting off plans until I’m lucky enough to have a transplant, or making tentative plans for after I’ve been lucky enough to have a transplant. The truth is though that life is passing by while I have refused to make or carry out plans for the short and medium term.
And somewhere along the way I’ve started to lose my sense of humour as well – something I need to remedy!
So its settled, I’m going to be a famous photographer, musician and swimming athlete after my transplant, though granted probably not all at the same time…. Now what to do in the meantime?!
I’m hoping to move shortly to a place of my own, a little piece of imaginary independence, quite important to all of us as we get older! And employment? Well I’m still looking, still applying, still waiting, ever hopeful! I did stop long enough to evaluate what would be my perfect job if everything was hunkydory which was basically to use the skills I have gained over 35 years to try and help others. Ideally photography would be in the mix somewhere, although if necessary it would be a way of bringing in a little extra spending money in my spare time. So to that effect I’ve started homing in on the areas of employment that are aimed at helping people, typically called the Third Sector in this country, somewhere in-between the Public and Private Sector, where both private and public donations are used to fund improvements to the lives of those of us not so fortunate.

Live Life Then Give Life
Those of you of a healthy disposition I beg to spend ten minutes looking at this link:
LLTGL Life Stories.
Even those of you without a healthy disposition! After finding out that I could myself donate my organs should the worst happen I joined the donor register online. Apparently 3 people die every day in the UK while waiting for a transplant…
If you’re feeling particularly keen about raising awareness as I am, I can recommend the T shirt which can be ordered from the following page: Clicky
I’ve certainly turned a few heads walking around town wearing one!

Finally a special thank you to a special someone.
I wont deny that the last few months have been challenging in the extreme. My parents business struggling, my low self-esteem, a couple of health scares, worry over my transplant assessment, depression over dialysis and general loneliness to mention a few (crikey what a whinge!)
Somewhere along the line someone broke down my carefully placed barriers, got inside, put an arm around me and somehow kept me afloat, that special someone means the world to me.
I wish things could be different so you could always keep me afloat, and I wish you could see for yourself how special you are, but alas you’re destined to make some other git happy!
I on the other hand will have to keep on looking for “Someone Like You” 😉

It’s been a while….!

Firstly apologies for no updates for so long. Life has been….interesting!
So we’ve brought a New Year in, bringing with it a realization that I’ve been on my own now for nearly a decade! Sad to think that for one reason or another but mainly to do with health and self image I have taken myself off the market for so long. Seems like the blink of an eye! One thing I have promised this year is that I’m not going to be so hard on myself, it is after all not my fault that I have renal failure and have had since the early nineties, people can either accept that or not – I no longer care.

Hi Ho It’s off to work I go…or not

It was about November last year after our beloved new government set out plans to reform the benefits system and get people back to work that I decided that I would like to at least try and get back into work. I have no idea if I will cope or not but I will be letting myself down if I didn’t give it a try. After a few failed applications I wrote to my MP asking for advice for someone like me. Someone with a life threatening illness who has been out of work for a long while. She kindly wrote back suggesting the Shaw Trust and wishing me luck. The Trust specializes in getting people on Incapacity benefit and people out of work long term back into employment and can supply training to that effect. Apparently.
I signed up to the Trust on the Pathways to Work Scheme only to find on my second visit that they were having their funding pulled and my adviser had been given her redundancy! No training will be available and as of the end of March I will be signed off from them. Bloody Marvelous.
So I’m on my own again trying to apply for work in a time where every job is hotly competed for!

To Date or Not to Date….
Now back to dating briefly! I have been experimenting with dating sites and actually managed to arrange a date with someone recently. There were a few obstacles, such as I live in Norfolk and she lives in London…. but I thought to hell with it lets give it a go! I caught the train down to Kings Cross where I met up with my date. We seemed to hit it off quite quickly and went to the Natural History Museum and saw the Wildlife Photographer of the year exhibition, then on to the Victoria and Albert Museum. I have to say it was a very enjoyable day but it turned out my date had some very serious issues of her own which when I was brutally honest with myself made me come to the realization that added to my messed up life it would be too much for either of us to take on. If you ever read this Beena, then I apologize and hope you understand…!
Unfortunately the offer I had on that site has expired and I cant afford to continue with it, which is a shame because it was a format that I quite got on with. Ah well! Will have to stick to the free ones!

Swimming and Gymming..!
I made a sort of New Years Resolution with a difference this year. Normally I don’t do resolutions but rather do something when I feel like it, but this year I have decided to try and get my weight down and be as active as my body will let me. I go to the gym 2 to 3 times a week now and swim 2 to 3 times a week. Now, when I talk about the gym, I’m actually on strict orders to do only light to moderate exercise so to a normal person it probably seems totally unworthwhile, but I have lost a lot of weight and have to say feel better in myself. All the machines I use are set to their easiest level but it still puts my pulse rate up high! I may have mentioned it earlier but although dialysis is a very effective treatment for kidney failure, it does take it out of you and can lead to muscle loss, the heart being the most important muscle! So it make sense to eat a good diet and exercise as best you can.
This Tuesday I have a Transplant Assessment at Addenbrookes to see if I am still a suitable candidate for a transplant. I am hoping they will be happy with me and that my ECG and chest x-ray don’t throw up any nasty suprises….

Love isn’t always on time

Owner of a lonely heartYes, I know. It was a cheesy song from back in the day, but I’m actually referring to life for people like me. I always imagined I’d be married and settled down by now, loads of little brats (ahem) …..I mean joyful children, running around etc etc. I’m feeling a little let down to be honest…. And I guess it’s the same for a lot of other people with health problems as well.
I refuse to give up on the idea that I will meet and fall in love with someone – and that someone would be mad enough to love me back! But I’d just like to say that the waiting is starting to chafe a bit – not literally mind you, that would just be rude! It’s everything else that goes with a strong relationship that I miss the most. The companionship, the warmth towards each other, someone to laugh at my bad jokes….
The question is what to do about it? Both my illness and where I live leave me feeling isolated at times. Maybe it’s time I found some new hobbies so I can get out and meet new people. So what to do….. Dancing is probably a no no as I have about as much rhythm as a drunken John Sergeant, although it could be a good laugh!
I need to try and find out what evening classes are run in my area I guess – and if any are free of charge!
Whatever happens, it’s going to be down to me to get out there and meet people.

I’ll continue this rather weird post another time as I’m pooped

Nurse Appreciation Society

I’m in love with one of my dialysis nurses. Actually I think I love three or four….. Does that make me bad?!
They do such a terrific job and under pressure too. I’ve had a thing for nurses ever since I was a teenager, when things went wrong first time around! They are people I admire above most if not all, as they have to put up with people from all walks of life with all sorts of temperament.

So here’s to all you nurses out there – Thank you for all you do and for all that you are.

And if there just happens to be a nurse out there who has a thing for someone like me, then erm… here I am, I’m all yours!

Down in the Dumps

I’m having one of those days today – Generally I’m in an upbeat mood, maybe it’s lack of sleep, but I’ve found myself down in the dumps today and this evening. I went to Swaffham to one of the pubs there – only to stand on my own at the bar drinking ginger ale. I looked around and all I could see indoors was old men, and outside were people half my age drinking. I left there and drove to Kings Lynn and went to a pub called the Lattice House. Somehow I ended up sitting at the corner of the bar hugging my alcohol-free beer thinking dark thoughts while couples stood around me happy as can be.

The thought popped into my head that there is a very real possibility that I will never find someone and the annoying thing is it will entirely be my fault for not conquering my fears.

So I must fight the doldrums, I WILL join the gym and will start to swim again because I know from past experience the more active you are the better you feel. Might even lose weight as well!

I also need to sit down over the next few days and think long and hard about what I wish to achieve in this life and think on what is realistically obtainable. I don’t know how long I’m for this world and need to make the most of my time, not spend it sulking and doing nothing!

I guess we are all entitled to down days but it’s up to us not to let it get the better of us and fight it.

Anyway enough of that here’s a photo from my other blog taken a while back. Hope you like

Dating on Dialysis

Hmmm, this is a toughy, and I’m hardly the expert as I’ve been single a long time now, but I thought I’d touch on it here as I’m pretty sure it’s going to come up on a frequent basis.

I’ve never been one for chatting the girls up, in fact if I did pluck up the courage to talk to a lady, my brain instantly stepped in and scuppered my chances as I turn into a gibbering mess. I like to call it “b*ll*ck-chops” – where you open your mouth and a load of b*ll*cks fall out.

And that was before my health went south. Before I thought I had issues, now I KNOW I have issues! I know the biggest hurdle with me being single and a dialysis patient is actually ME.  I have got it into my head that no-one will want someone like me, someone who is penniless, weak, tired, emotional, still lives with his folks and suffers from gout. Not to mention the scars from previous operations. When I start thinking about that I feel I am doomed to a lonely existence.

Its a weird situation to be in and all to easy to give up, but I have always been a stubborn git and refuse to give up entirely on the hope that I’ll find someone. Granted that someone would have to be special, but that’s who I wanted in the first place!

I dabble on the internet dating, but its always difficult to know when to fit in that clanger that your really quite ill. Do you tell someone straight away or wait until they know you? The danger then is that they have invested in you and you have kept a prrrretty big secret – not a good start to a relationship. So far my honesty has met with no success, just a lot of well wishes. Which is lovely. If I wanted well wishes I’d send myself an e-card from Hallmark.

Maybe hypnotherapy is the way to go. If I could learn Hypnosis I could make someone fall for me.   Only kidding – I meant me go and get hypnotised so I’m not so lacking in confidence. I wonder if that would work?

The thing is I know deep down that in a normal environment over a period of time I’m sure that most women wouldn’t care about me being a renal patient and that hopefully they would come to like me for who I am – It’s because I’ve taken such a battering over the last so many years that all confidence is gone and competence has eloped with it.

Anyway I’ll continue my merry rant on singledom another time as its 2:40 am and I need my beauty sleep.