Category Archives: From the “other blog”

Late night ramblings of a mentalist

The following was taking from my photo blog:

“Late night ramblings of a mentalist”

Well its now in the wee hours of Sunday morning and I’ve just heard the rumble of thunder in the distance. My room is hot and stuffy and after treating myself to a couple of glasses of wine I’m still wide awake. Sometimes my brain or what’s left of it is working overtime, flitting from one thing to the next, never really settling on one continuous thought – this is one of those nights!

I don’t know how many people actually read my blog and to be honest I’m not too worried, I created it so I had some sort of outflow for my passion for photography, but also for times like this where I feel I have to vent pent up thoughts and emotions.

Something that I find hard to express vocally to those that care about me is that I do struggle emotionally at times. I guess like anyone in my position I don’t wish to be an added burden to family and friends who not only have their own worries but also worry more than enough about me already.
So perhaps just putting it in writing/type will help – sort of a catharsis!

So what’s bothering me tonight then?
I’m very good at compartmentalizing things and pushing things to one side in order to deal with problems at hand. Dad calls it “bottling it all up”. It’s a “skill” that’s probably kept me sane and relatively upbeat through the years of varying degrees of illness. The down side is that although I’ve packed these thoughts and emotions away, they are still there waiting to be dealt with at a later date.

Something that I’ve never really confronted head on is the fact that I’m not a normal person who decides his or her own fate, but rather someone who has to try and make the most of a shitty situation, a situation where you have no control over your overall future.
I’m simply not the person I was before my kidney failure in so far that I will never be able to do a lot of the things that I always dreamed about doing.
I dreamed in the run up and immediately after my first transplant that I would go to Uni and study photography and then travel the world.
I managed the first part – just, after fighting Hodgkins Lymphoma in my final year – which damaged the kidney (the lymphoma not the final year, although it was hard graft!)
For a good few years I have spent the time with a slowly deteriorating kidney helping my parents with their work while I tried to get some level of “fitness” when in fact things became harder and harder due to gradual failure of the kidney ultimately leading to the present where I’m of very limited use to my folks and have to travel to Cambridge 3 times a week for 4 hours treatment just to stay alive, waiting for a transplant that may or may not work.
I’ve been here before of course and this time I’m not a scared 19 year old, but I am now 34 with bad Gout that seems to strike at any time which I will most likely have for the rest of my life.
Dreams of travelling to far off places seem very distant right now, and as for a career in Landscape and nature photography? Well that may no longer be possible full-time at any rate. It would be a great challenge for a healthy person these days.

So its with an element of sadness but also relief that I write what is turning into an epic post.
Perhaps if I’m lucky enough to get another transplant that works and lucky enough to find someone who will employ someone like me on wage where I’m lucky enough to have a place of my own and lucky enough to be able to treat myself to the occasional holiday abroad with my camera I’ll be happy. Maybe, just maybe I might be lucky enough to meet someone on the way who understands my situation and falls hopelessly in love with me!

Oh, and I want a pet dog at some time too!
Not too much to ask for is it?!