Dating on Dialysis

Hmmm, this is a toughy, and I’m hardly the expert as I’ve been single a long time now, but I thought I’d touch on it here as I’m pretty sure it’s going to come up on a frequent basis.

I’ve never been one for chatting the girls up, in fact if I did pluck up the courage to talk to a lady, my brain instantly stepped in and scuppered my chances as I turn into a gibbering mess. I like to call it “b*ll*ck-chops” – where you open your mouth and a load of b*ll*cks fall out.

And that was before my health went south. Before I thought I had issues, now I KNOW I have issues! I know the biggest hurdle with me being single and a dialysis patient is actually ME.  I have got it into my head that no-one will want someone like me, someone who is penniless, weak, tired, emotional, still lives with his folks and suffers from gout. Not to mention the scars from previous operations. When I start thinking about that I feel I am doomed to a lonely existence.

Its a weird situation to be in and all to easy to give up, but I have always been a stubborn git and refuse to give up entirely on the hope that I’ll find someone. Granted that someone would have to be special, but that’s who I wanted in the first place!

I dabble on the internet dating, but its always difficult to know when to fit in that clanger that your really quite ill. Do you tell someone straight away or wait until they know you? The danger then is that they have invested in you and you have kept a prrrretty big secret – not a good start to a relationship. So far my honesty has met with no success, just a lot of well wishes. Which is lovely. If I wanted well wishes I’d send myself an e-card from Hallmark.

Maybe hypnotherapy is the way to go. If I could learn Hypnosis I could make someone fall for me.   Only kidding – I meant me go and get hypnotised so I’m not so lacking in confidence. I wonder if that would work?

The thing is I know deep down that in a normal environment over a period of time I’m sure that most women wouldn’t care about me being a renal patient and that hopefully they would come to like me for who I am – It’s because I’ve taken such a battering over the last so many years that all confidence is gone and competence has eloped with it.

Anyway I’ll continue my merry rant on singledom another time as its 2:40 am and I need my beauty sleep.

About these ads

12 thoughts on “Dating on Dialysis

  1. GentlemanPlayer

    That’s a tough one Mate because I know exactly how you feel. My kidneys are failing – There’s no denying it and it’s only a matter of time before they give in where I will then need to do a kidney transplant (my Dad has put his hand up). My kidney functionality is stable so fingers cross I won’t need to go on dialysis.

    I remember being on a hospital bed at 3am in the morning, my potassium levels were elevated and if the docs couldn’t get my levels down, I would have gotten a heart attack. My life completely changed at that moment. I had a well paid job but it was never my dream. With that said, I have now resigned from that job and have now pursued a life-long dream. It is this that keeps me going and I have never looked back since.

    Regarding dating, I asked myself the same question, when do I tell the girl that I’ve actually got kidney failure? Surprisingly Chris, I’ve dated 3 girls since being diagnosed and all 3 were ok with it. At the end of the day, just be yourself and I’m sure women will love you for that. A woman who can’t deal with your honesty is not the woman for you.

    I’m not Superman but I have learnt to live each day for what it has to offer. Cherish the day; forget the past and forget the present – It has served me well. I’m a changed man now and my girlfriend can see it. On the topic of my girlfriend, I’m very fortunate to have her in my life because she’s always by my side. With that said, keep it at and be true to yourself because one day, the title of your blog will be “Duelling with dialysis and the best woman a man could have”.

    Reply
  2. duellingdialysis Post author

    Many thanks for your comment GP, this is just the sort of dialogue I hoped would start, as its something not really talked about, and an awful lot of people in the same or similar circumstance just suffer in silence. Your comment is encouraging to me and will be to many others.

    C

    Reply
  3. Karol

    This question comes up often. My daughter is 24 and has had CKD since she was 15. I don’t think she sees herself as fitting in and tends to isolate. I hope she meets someone that can overlook the scars and stress that kidney disease can cause. You may be interested in this thread “Any Hope for Dating While On Dialysis?” http://ihatedialysis.com/forum/index.php?topic=19012.0
    Regards,
    Karol

    Reply
  4. wordwizz

    Would you be interested in hearing from the “other side” of the gender gap? I have been dating my beau for more than 2 years, and have never been happier despite my battle with ESRD. Fred is a wonderful, kind, loving widower whose 37-year-old wife died unexpectedly 4 years ago.

    Knowing that he endured a great deal of pain and heartache because of her passing, I was hesitant at first to tell him that I had a life-threatening illness. But the more I thought about it the more I realized that he deserved to know so that he could make the decision about continuing to see me or not. We had dated for a few weeks when I told him all about my CKD. By that time we were already falling fast in love with one another, and I feared what his reaction might be.

    I should not have been afraid, knowing this wonderful man the way I do. He assured me that it didn’t make a difference to him at all. He valued and loved me for who I am, regardless of my disease. He has even offered one of his kidneys. God has blessed me with him, and I’m glad I was honest and open with him, as honesty and trust are the foundations of great relationships.

    Hang in there. You will find your true love, and it won’t matter to her that you are a renal patient. I feel sure of that. Good luck!

    P.S. – I met my honey on the Internet, and I would not be hesitant to recommend giving it a try.

    Reply
    1. duellingdialysis Post author

      Many thanks for your comments, they are very encouraging. Its been a tough old trek but I remain upbeat generally. I know that there are so many wonderful people out there, it’s just having the confidence to put one’s self forward. Your words will not only be a positive influence for me but for others I hope, those who find themselves in our world and stumble across our blogs.

      My best wishes to you

      Chris

      Reply
  5. jacqsworld

    Hi,
    Although I had been married for years when I started dialysis, my confidence in myself as being attractive or (God forbid) sexy, dropped to an all time low. I was never a vain person by any means but I really started to notice how I looked to my husband. I think being sick or having a medical condition makes us question ourselves in ways that may seem insignificant to others.
    I don’t think you’ll have any problems dating, when you’re ready. Maybe you need to work on your confidence to get yourself ready…it will happen for you!
    Good luck:-)

    Reply
  6. Heidi

    I have been on peritoneal dialysis for almost two years. All this year I have only had three dates. When I told one man about dialysis, a man who was crazy about me and who wondered where I had been all his life, he immediately dropped me. The same thing happened when I told other men who were interested–I had to keep canceling dates because I was in the hospital or had to do my nightly dialysis.

    People tell me that if someone loves me, he’ll understand. But how do I even get to that point when the rejection comes so soon after meeting and so forcefully?

    I’m an attractive, tall, slender blonde with a great sense of humor, wit, and intelligence. I give a great massage and I’m a fantastic listener. And yet I really wonder if I’ll ever be kissed again–what with a foot of dialysis tubing issuing from my abdomen, gauze and tape over the exit site, an insulin pump with its tubing and insertion site, and a continuous glucose monitor with its sensor. How is it even possible for someone to give me a hug, much less have sex with me! UGH!

    Reply
    1. duellingdialysis Post author

      Hello Heidi,
      I was on peritoneal dialysis first time round and it made me profoundly self conscious, to the point where I didn’t date at all and missed out on a couple of opportunities that I simply didn’t recognise at the time.
      I do believe that it is harder for women as yes, blokes are shallow creatures mainly! But please don’t stop believing that you will meet the right man. As with me it will take a special person to take on a relationship with someone with illness, but I strongly believe it is just such a person – a special person – that we deserve, and we must not give up! It’s perfectly ok to get upset and peed off occasionally though as I think we are entitled to that!
      Hopefully others will read your post and offer words of encouragement
      I wish you the best and please stay in touch!
      Chris P

      Reply
  7. Emer

    I am on the other side of the coin so to speak. My boyfriend has dialysis, we met online 15 months ago. He told me about a week before we met up (rang me), I had never dated anyone who was on dialysis before but he was very open and honest about it and answered any questions I had. Be honest with the person, if they truly like you or love you and want to be with you they will stay for the long haul.

    Reply
  8. chris chamberlain

    Stop waiting. I have doing this for almost 30 years. I could be having a great anniversary. Instead I believed no one would want me. Stop waiting. Everybody has something to offer anyway. You are not damaged.

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s